Recent content by Charlton Heston

I like songs, too.

There wasn't a sequel, fuck you, Anne Hathaway is to be cherished, I rest my case. Signed, George Washington, probably

I'll watch the shit out of The Princess Diaries. Y'all don't know what's up.

When people complain about the luxury of having entertainment to complain about. I apologize: I'm old and cranky.

I'll take that as the compliment it was never intended to be. (❤)

Right? If only the YMCA would see it that way. Bunch of prudes.

Benjamin Franklin was full of shit: shea butter—not beer—is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. He probably should have drank more shea butter. He'd probably still be alive. Bet that dude would have some rad stories.

I'll admit, I'm halfway in the grave and I barely pay attention to things, but if you need to have sex with your cousin, just do it, man. Get it out of your system. If you learn nothing else from this, please, I have a Craigslist listing for a used '88 Cadillac, and I would dearly appreciate it...

If he's French, he won't be able to stop you, anyway. He'll just meow something pedantic and roll over, so you can evenly season his other side.

You know you desire to do so, above all else. I moisturize. Don't look at me like that; you knew what you were getting into when you clicked on this.

I mean, I always Sméagol my meals, and they never see it coming. So juicy sweet.

It's clear to me what needs to be done, but only the stoutest of hearts can endure the trial I have engineered to save your poor soul from the maw of tyranny, Kyle. You must accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. Only then may you be truly free. Also eat the cat.

When I play Tennis, I dress exactly like Tim. Gold stripes for days, y’all.

I had always hoped that was what you were referencing. I also hope that you live in a boat, and not a hole.