Benjamin Franklin was full of shit: shea butter—not beer—is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
He probably should have drank more shea butter. He'd probably still be alive. Bet that dude would have some rad stories.
I'll admit, I'm halfway in the grave and I barely pay attention to things, but if you need to have sex with your cousin, just do it, man. Get it out of your system.
If you learn nothing else from this, please, I have a Craigslist listing for a used '88 Cadillac, and I would dearly appreciate it...
It's clear to me what needs to be done, but only the stoutest of hearts can endure the trial I have engineered to save your poor soul from the maw of tyranny, Kyle.
You must accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. Only then may you be truly free.
Also eat the cat.