Greenish ooze weeping like tears out a butt ulcer
May 10, 2020
6/14/2023: A day that shall live in infamy.

We should have seen this coming. I called the Pentagon over three hundred times on a monthly basis since the terrible attack Al Quaeda launched, which shook the world to its core. Yes, the time my dad swore he saw an Al Quaeda running out of the Dunkin Donuts in Shamokin PA after it had caught on fire.

Never forget!

So why did the terrorists take down Destructoid, an internet blog about video games?

Well, my friend, you just answered your own question! When you spell blog backward you get glob. Are you following me? Glob is a perversion of the ideal of god through the secular process of gooification which scares holy men in their sleep. They dream of the drip and worry it will soil their souls. That's why fanatics hate the internet. It represents the sludgy pitter patter of a scummy sea of human fluid, turgent and endlessly battering against the blockade of the soul. They are correct to think this, but that's why we love it. We drink down the spew the internet spits down our throats and then beg for more, and Al Quaeda hates it!!!!!


Obviously, and I'm sure you've read about this before, but video games are the monolithic embodiment of the unsubtle gooification of the human psyche through flashing lights and squealing sound. You see, monitors and phones--like the one you're currently using to read the truth--run on the RGB color spectrum. That stands for Regurgitation, Goo, Barf. This operates on the concept that the void is black rather than white, and it must be brightened through the fluid prism of plasmid hellfire to create the images of the false gods we worship daily. Those gods are Samus, Master Cheif, and that Burger Time Hotdog.

The color spectrum of jihad is CMYK. This stands for Cummy Mummy Yummy Kummy. This operates under the belief that the void is white as cum, and the great mother tongue ravenously licks it up in order to create images in the swirls of her kissing lips and flicking tip. In this way she expunges the goo, as the only vessel that can carry it without being corrupted. This creates the imagery of the world via Holy Mother Cum Tongue. They obviously have mommy issues, and now we all get to suffer for them!!!


But what about video games? Well, you see video games are the ultimate symbol of capitalistic greed that the holy men cannot abide. Imagine a world where you can slave in a mine or whatever for most of your life just to earn a few bucks pissed down by your master so you can spend your livelihood on imaginary pictures for imaginary characters that exist in an imaginary world of numbers that make you feel good. They would say you have been gooified, which--

Oh, it looks like the site is back up. Never mind. False alarm.
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